When tragedy strikes your loved ones

That day it took us three hours to fly from our hometown in New York to South Carolina for a work conference.  When we got the phone call that there was a car accident and we needed to come home, it took eleven hours to fly back, due to delays and airplane malfunctions.

Eleven hours on a plane and in airports numb with tears.  We had no idea the condition of my Mom and daughters, only that they were alive.

We walked out of the elevator that day and onto the Pediatric ICU floor.  The halls were lined with our friends and family holding vigil while they waited for us to arrive.  It was like walking down the aisle at your wedding, all eyes on you, except at the end of the aisle was an unknown horror waiting to greet us.  No one spoke.  I mean maybe someone did, but at that moment my ears were deaf with fear.  All I remember were their faces that seemed to shout “It’s bad.  It’s really bad!”  

What I could have never known at that moment, but have become acutely aware of over the years, was how hard it was for those loved ones to be standing there exhausted from hours of waiting, feeling helpless, and hurting not only for my little girl but for our Mommy and Daddy hearts.

As I sit here typing this I am overwhelmed at the scene.  I have come to realize what a gift that was to have that sea of people surrounding us in their love and prayers at that very moment.  Just their presence softened the harsh smells, the piercing lights and blinding white walls of that ICU.  Their prayers enveloped us in our Savior’s arms as they knew what we were about to see.

In the following months of my daughter’s recovery we received mountains of gifts and cards. So much so that we had to stop receiving mail in the Hospital.  People made sure we knew we were loved and that they were praying.  

But something happened in those two months we were in that hospital room.  Loneliness set in.  Even with all the mail, gifts, prayers and visitors coming to us.  There was such a  chasm now between them and us.  Our lives were forever different.  In one moment we went from having a community of peers, fellow journeyers and family, to no-one who understood what we were going through.  Loneliness set in hard.

What does tragedy do though?  It teaches us things we could have NEVER understood without it.  That loneliness opened our hearts and minds to the struggles of others and allowed us to come alongside them, as fellow journeyers.  But what if you are one of those people in the hallway, watching?  You don’t know what they need or how to help them.  Can I encourage you with a few things you can do, and not do, to help ease their loneliness?

1. Be in the hallway.  Not everyone can do this.  Be prayerful and wise about whether this is appropriate.  But if you can, be in that hallway: silent, praying, showing your support.
2. Let them know they are loved and that you are praying.  And I don’t mean a comment on Facebook.  Send a card.  Send a gift.  Write out your prayers to them so they can see how you are praying.  One friend brought us finger foods and toiletries because we had been sleeping in the waiting room for weeks.  Family members put together a babysitting schedule for watching my two year old.  DO NOT assume other people are doing this. 
3. Don’t say "I understand".  Imagine trying to understand a control panel on a space ship.  Just listen.  They may not make sense.  They may say some crazy stuff.  They may even doubt God.  Be someone they can honestly vent to and not someone that talks at them.
4. Don’t be afraid that you won’t know what to say and therefore not say anything.  If you see them, ask them how they are.  They can choose to answer you or not.  Be respectful of that.  But don’t pretend the elephant isn’t in the room.  Most importantly, don’t just ask how they are, mean it.  Stop what you were doing, listen to what they are saying.  Pray with them, hug them, cry with them.
5. Be patient with them.  When all you have ever known is suddenly in a pile of rubble, it takes time to rebuild.  Sometimes, it takes many years. 
6. Keep “being in the hallway”.  Your loved ones are going to need you long after the tragedy strikes.  Loneliness and sorrow are not like the 24 hour flu.

The doctor told us that there was a 10% chance our daughter would ever improve and would be severely disabled, needing assistance her whole life.  One day we were telling a friend this.  What he said resonates in my heart to this day, “You have to live in the reality of the 10%.  But I will be believing and praying for the 90%." 

Stand in the gap for your loved ones!  Hold them up when their knees buckle under their reality. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

9 Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.

If you would like to read more about our story, please read "Surrendering to your thorn".