Raising Good Men: Is the current sports culture helping or hurting?

There is a lot of talk these days about what a woman should be - strong, independent, brave, successful, self-fulfilled, satisfied with their body, free thinkers, accepting of everyone. With all the pro-woman movements out there it’s hard to turn on the TV or open your computer without another story of female empowerment. With these movements has come a rallying cry to the new generation of parents to raise their daughters to possess these qualities and hopefully turn the tide for equality. Most of us have strong feelings one way or another about these movements. I have three daughters of my own, an adult, a college student and a pre-teen. They are all on journeys of navigating this new world of female empowerment. But, I am not here to champion female empowerment. 

See, I also have two boys, a teenager and a pre-teen. We have recently been on a journey with one of my sons that has caused me to pause and ask, “Who are we teaching our boys to be?” We are so hyper-focused on the girls I wonder, have we forgotten the boys? Have we left our boys on the “they’ll be fine” train?

Let’s jump back in time for a minute so you can more clearly see where I am coming from.

I am Generation X, born in 1974. But, I was raised by Silent Generation parents born in the late 30s, not Baby Boomers as most of my generation’s parents are. My father was a strong-willed, strong-handed workaholic and my Mother a dutiful stay-at-home wife. Some of my older siblings, Baby Boomers born in the 60s, were married with children by the time I was a pre-teen. The generational influences in my life have spanned a wide time frame causing me to observe a wide range of what we call the "battle of the sexes”. 

Because of this wide range of generational influence, I often struggle with new “movements” whether it be parenting theories, healthy marriage practices, new diets or even this battle between men and women. 

This brings me back to this recent journey we are on with my sons. For many years we, as a culture, have taught our sons to be tough - work hard even against the odds - be focused - have a strong handshake - stand up for yourself - don’t let anyone push you around. The traditionalist woman in me says these are all good things, in context. But the free thinker in me is beginning to question how we are teaching these things to our sons.

Specifically in the sports culture. 

I wonder why, in this modern age, we have allowed coaching influences in our boy's lives that we would never allow in our daughters. For example, why do we allow them to belittle our sons? Why do we allow them to publicly embarrass our sons, scream in their faces when they fail and even threaten them? Is it all for the win? Is it for the sake of making them “men" (said with stern eyebrows while beating my chest)? How many times I have heard “it’s good for them.” Really? Is it?

Are there not better ways to teach our sons to be tough so they are ready for the world they will adult in? Can we not combine traditional values and progressive methods to have high expectations of their character, work ethic and skill levels in their chosen sport (or career) while at the same time encouraging them, building them up and providing a safe place to learn? Can we ask ourselves if it was our daughters would we tolerate a man speaking to them like that? Would we call it good coaching or perhaps would we use another adjective?

We know too much now about a child’s psyche, brain and emotional development to not stop and ponder these questions. While we wage the war of empowering our daughters, can we also teach our sons to be properly prepared for the battle of life? While we are teaching them to be tough, strong, and hard workers that never give up, let’s show them how to be encouragers, patient, kind, gracious and how to love deeply. Can we all agree we need more of THAT kind of man in this new world our daughters are navigating?

I don’t have a “Top Ten Ways to Make a Great Man”. When my sons are adults and I am old and gray maybe I’ll have more wisdom. But until then, I wonder if we can ponder how to do better, expect better.